Small Victories

As I said in my first blog, I turned 29 two weeks after I returned from my LA vacation, and it really put perspective on one very important thing, I always had this visual idea and perception of who I would be or wanted to be at 30 and with only a year to go, I was far from it prompting me to immediate and drastic action. Did I have to move across the country to have the full experience? I don't know really but I do know that I never actually wanted to go back to Jacksonville or even Florida after college, exploring and the desire to see new land has been in my heart for a long time. For some reason I never felt like I could or was allowed or that it would be accepted. There were other situations, conditions and relationships that contributed to my "stuck" feeling. The bigger problem is I had spent much of my 20s rebelling, at first because I think to some degree it's natural to do the opposite of what your told to do all your life. Then it was just habit and then I realized I was a rebel without a cause. So in addition to gaining some life experience and perspective, it was important for me to examine certain beliefs and decide for myself what my causes were. After all, these are the things that shape your life and before I went any further with mine I needed to know which tools to pick up and put done to shape my future.

My main prayer, before even leaving FL was for God to reveal his will and direction for my life. Of course, nothing is ever that easy and with prayer, we often get more than what we had in mind, especially when asking for something like direction. Sometimes we are unaware of the things we need because we are so consumed with the things we want. This journey has essential been everything I have needed it to be, though not everything I've wanted it to be. It has been exciting, overwhelming, lonely, inspiring, trying and expensive. I wish I could paint a more lavish, glamours LA experience but the reality is that much of my last 8 months have been spent alone in my apartment with an almost empty bank account and no one on the other end of the phone, ensuring I had no where else to turn but to God and accept that I can not get by with my efforts alone. If you know me, you know this is hard for me to admit, but it was only at this point that the real work began.

As I set out on this journey and along the way I've had people say to me, "I hope you find what you are looking for." Even though I know it's sincere, the statement doesn't sit well with me mainly because I'm not some lost soul wandering the country in search of "something" external that will change my life.  The one internal question that has perpetuated my thoughts, "What do you want?" was one I couldn't answer for nearly a year and half, at least not in it's deeper contextual level. I am pleased to say now though, I have my answer. It may seem obvious but it took a lot of thought purification to derive it.

My answer is peace, internal peace, harmony of the mind, body and soul. Aligning my heart and actions on all levels small and large alike. It seems over simplified I know but I had to make deliberate, intentional decisions about what I believe and not linger in indifference. I'm not saying I've got it all figured there are still so many things I don't understand when you get into what you believe on a spiritual level. Let's face it some of it just seems weird and super far fetched but I guess that's where faith comes into play, believing things you can't see or understand. So I began chipping away at all the "rules" I had tried to forget and ignore for some many years. The difference at this point is the life I have to show for the ignoring them the last 10 years isn't one that I am particularly proud of or consider fruitful. 

Like trying to lose weight or gain muscle, you can't hit the gym once or even twice and really expect to see results. The same is true with any behavioral change but as I tried to follow the rules of my newly established and reestablished beliefs, it started to become more clear why those boundaries were there, because they were protecting something of great value. This began to reinforce my efforts like seeing results at the gym. Focusing on aligning my actions with values has also been freeing in the sense that it has really simplified my life.

Doing things because you know they are the right thing of course isn't easy but that is what makes it rewarding. I'm about surprised how small of areas this can creep into, the little things you tell yourself, that you figure if you don't end up doing won't really matter, besides who would know the difference. But aren't I a person like everyone else, I would tell a friend I'll work out them and don't, or would I? Do I? Staying true to my word, to myself has been the hardest  part of this "alignment" so far but hardest so far but worth striving for, and as Stephen Covey says, victories over self are the greatest.


"Real success is success with self. It is not in having things, but in having mastery, having victory over self"        - Stephen R Covey

"First keep the peace within yourself, then you can bring peace to others." - Thomas A. Kempis

"Try not to become a man of success but rather a man of value." - Albert Einstein

"Be true to your work, your word and your friend." - Henry David Thoreau

#11 - Plan Something Awesome For 12/12/12

Considering it is the last time in our lifetime we will see the numbers align as such, I wanted to do something fun and memorable to signify the occasion. I'd say ice skating in the rain in Santa Monica with one of my favorite people is pretty awesome. Not to mention it was my first time ice skating at an outdoor rink. To top it off we ended the night overlooking the Santa Monica Pier and the Pacific Ocean. Thank you to Alyssa C. for helping me cross #11 of my list!

Photos